Did I fail?

This is it. I’ve come to the end of an adventure. I’m moving back to Virginia. Yes, it’s quite sudden. If you’d asked me two weeks ago if I’d be moving, I would have said no. Because at that time, I wasn’t moving. I’ve always known that my life in El Paso was very fragile, but I didn’t realize how fragile. Recently, my living situation went down the toilet, calling into question my continued stay in El Paso. Honestly, I’d always assumed it would be my car that would break and leave me with no options; funny how my best guess was wrong.

I have mixed emotions about leaving. On the one hand, living with my family in Virginia will provide much needed rest for my soul. On the other hand, I didn’t think I’d be saying good bye to my friends here so soon. Part of me is relieved that I’m leaving, part of me is apprehensive about what my new life will be like. Think of any emotion imaginable, and there’s a good chance I’m feeling it.

And amid the swirling whirlpool of emotions, a single question keeps bubbling to the surface: did I fail?

You see, I moved to El Paso with the hope of helping my church here get involved in the city more. I had big plans, grand ideas, and only one me. The first six months I spent nearly killing myself in a terrible job and trying to figure out my new life. The second half of this year I spent battling different personal struggles that kept popping up. I tried to work on my big plans, I thought of even grander ideas, and things kept on getting in the way. I planned to spend my summer working on church projects, but within the first few weeks, both my computer and my cell phone died, erasing my entire plan for the summer and any work I had done. And by the time I got new technology, my work hours had increased, and different personal problems had cropped up, seeping away my time and energy. Did I fail?

Sometime right before I moved here or just after I’d moved, I remember sitting and thinking of all my grand plans. They looked so beautiful in my head. And in the same moment that I saw their beauty, I saw through them. It was as if a small voice in my head said, “Here are your plans. Your desires are good, there’s nothing wrong, but in the end, they probably won’t be fulfilled. And that’s okay. God has other plans that he’s going to make happen.” This whole time, I’d hoped that voice hadn’t been right. I hoped that the probability of that “probably” was tipped in my favor. But it looks like it wasn’t. And that’s okay.

You see, God was doing other things. I was learning basic life lessons, like don’t drive without a spare tire and always establish a rent contract. I was also learning gritty truths about God’s plan for his church, like our call to love our brothers even when they sin against us and that this love takes different forms at different times. I was learning about God’s grace to us, like the fact that God does not call us to endure all suffering and sometimes he provides ways of escape. I was learning things about myself, like how to stand up for myself and what I really want to be when I grow up. I was learning how to understand what I’d lived through in Mexico and how to approach many different issues and questions that popped up during my two-year stay. I was learning how to understand myself and work with my strengths and strengthen my weaknesses.

So, did I fail? Yeah, pretty much. Just about nothing I wanted to accomplish got done. But that does not make this year a failure. I’ve provided you all with a short summary of things I’ve learned, but I know the list is longer, and the learning deeper. I’m sure there are many things that didn’t even make it on my list that God is checking off of his. And you know what? All this is not just okay, it’s great. Sometimes failure is just as good as success because the process of failing gives so much growth.

So long, El Paso. I’m gonna miss you.