Tears, Christmas, and thankfulness

Before writing this post, I considered fibbing a little and telling you what I think you want to hear, not what really is going on.  But I decided against that, because if you are reading this, you are probably a close friend and not interested in the least about a "white lie."  So, sit back and get ready for a slice of the truth.

This last week has been rather hard.  I've cried at least once four out of the last five days.  And for those of you who know me well, I try to avoid crying if I can help it.  Obviously, I couldn't.

You see, this last week, I've been feeling an unrelenting bombardment of sin.  More and deeper problems are coming to light in the kids I watch; problems that seem to have Satan's name written all over them.  Yes, I know that sounds creepy.  Believe me, it is.  There is a pain that cannot be described when you watch the image of God become distorted into the face of Satan. Many of my tears were shed over this pain.

Another pain prompted my tears this week: the pain of sickness and death corrupting those I love and their loved ones.  A good friend was taken sick this week, and a family member of many friends passed away a few days before Christmas.  I felt pain for both of them, as well as the persistancy of sin in this fallen world, so once more, my tears flowed.

And just as icing on this cake of sin and sorrow, Christmas happened, but there was little celebration on my part.  Sure, I am overjoyed that Jesus Christ came to right this world of wrong, but at the same time, my heart was heavy with all of the darkness encompassing it.  On top of that, I worked with tired and sugar-highed kids on Christmas, I was exhausted emotionally and physically myself, I was far from my family, and few of my Christmas staples were there.  In the spirit of honesty, let me just admit that I cried about this too, but really it was made worse by everything else.

Amidst all of this, there is good news.  Lets just start with the fact that I didn't give up on Christmas even though I didn't feel particularly cheery.  For me, that's pretty good, since I have a track record of giving up on cheerfulness in the face of gloom and doom.  It may not have turned out quite like I wanted, but at least it wasn't for lack of trying.  I made my own Christmas dinner, complete with a pot roast, sweet dilled carrots, garlic green beans, stuffing, and sweet potatoe casserole.

And what would a Christmas dinner be without dessert?  Ice cream adorned with sweet cranberry pear relish with a side of apple pie.  How could you go wrong with that?

My efforts did end up failing, though, because I ate Christmas dinner alone.  That wasn't my plan, but because I haven't quite mastered timing the cooking of five dishes at the same time, that's what happened.

Now, I'm not trying to list all the reasons we should feel sorry for Renee.  That's not what I want, because you don't need to feel sorry for me and I don't need you to eel sorry for me.  A pity party helps no one.  (Trust me, I just had one with my Christmas dinner.)  I'm trying to be honest first of all, and secondly, I'm trying to paint a backdrop for the next piece of good news.

And what might that be?  Well, it's Christmas.

We all know the story: Baby Jesus, the Son of God, was born in a manger to the Virgin Mary.  Shepherds showed up out of the blue because angels told them about this baby, and a little later, some wisemen stopped by to give the birthday boy a few gifts because they were following a star.  Somewhat of a strange tale as stories go, but a familiar one.

Some of you may be scratching your heads wondering why this is pertinant, and the rest of you are probably thinking, "I know where she's going with this."  Just bear with me though, because I'm hoping to surprise both of you.

Those of you a little more familiar with Christian theology are probably recalling at this point the Easter story: Jesus came to earth to live a perfect human life, take on the penalty of every human's sin by dying on the cross, and rise from the dead on the third day, thereby conquering sin.  He did all this so that he might offer us his perfect righteousness to restore our relationship with God if we trust in his work on the cross as our only payment for sin and if repent from our sin.  This, in a nutshell, is the storyline of the Bible, and I believe it with all my heart.

So what does this have to do with my rather depressing Christmas?  Lots, actually.

Lets start off with my first problem: the problems in the kids that I see.  Due to several reasons, I can't discuss in depth the problems I deal with every day, but I'll reduce them to a few broad categories.  In scholastic terms, I deal with psychological problems, behavioral problems, and trauma.  In spiritual terms, I face sin, the effects of other's sin, and, honestly, Satan.  (The items in these two categories are not necessarliy the same things with different names; there is plenty of overlap.)  And it just so happens that baby Jesus came to right these problems.  More importantly, he succeeded.  Because he rose from the dead, he conquered sin and its effects, meaning that all that weighs on me isn't hopeless.  Certainly, there's this waiting period, where I feel the pang of sin and I wonder why, why is there all this hurting?  I can't explain all that, nor do I have time to write down all my thoughts on the subject, but I do know that I won't be waiting forever, one day Christ will return in glory and establish his perfect kingdom.

My second problem, death and sickness, is also corrected by the cross: Christ conquered the effects of sin (including death and sickness), and so one day, they too will end.  Moreover, for those who trust in Christ, we know that death is not the end, but they will have eternal life.

Now for my last problem: I was alone on Christmas and it kind of stunk.  Now, I could cite here the fact that, as a child of God, I'm never alone, that his Spirit is always with me, but I actually found comfort in a different part of the gospel.  I've come from far away to an all-around worse situation in hopes of bettering these children's lives.  I miss my family, my church, my friends, and I'm assualted with many problems I've never faced before (long-term childcare, different culture, new language, the efffects of abuse, dearth of material goods, etc.).  What I'm doing is good, but loving other people can be painful, especially when you see them suffer.  Now, I'm not trying to say all this to convince you all that I'm a saint, because, in all honesty, any good you see in me is because of Christ (and that's not just church jargon, it's true!  Just ask my family...)  My point is, in some ways, I see similarities between my trials and those of Jesus when he came to earth.  I miss my family and love them incredibly, but sometimes I fight with them and they get on my nerves and I just want some time to myself.  Jesus, on the other hand, experienced perfect unity with his  Father.  It must have stunk to be separated from him. I find all of this sin heavy to deal with, and I, too, sin.  Jesus was perfect and so not only was all the sin heavy for him, it was oppposite from him and an affront on his character.  Not only did he live a human life and watch all the sin around him with perfect knowledge of the destruction that sin was wreaking, he also bore every sin of every human being for all time.  I may be crying more than my fair share right now, but surely, Christ wept more at the brokeness of sin.

So, this Christmas, while bitter, had its sweet side.  I understand more completely (though far from perfectly) what Christ experienced coming to earth.  I see more clearly the depth of love and sacrifice in the cross.  And I am so incredibly thankful.